Hey, Mom! How are you?

Hey, Mom! How are you? I’m actually doing a little better today. I’ll share more and more with you on all I haven’t included in updates since I went silent 2 years ago, but first, I need you to meet someone.

So, this is the sweetest cat you will ever meet. I actually wanted to get a black cat, but someone was giving this little beauty away on NextDoor, and I agreed to take her. I’ll let you guess why I named her Sylvie…

She has been so good for our family. When I brought her in the house, Cliff gave her a little scratch and then later asked me why we have another cat. I didn’t tell him I was bringing her home, because I knew he wouldn’t really care. And considering that a few minutes after his question he was nose to nose with her and cooing over how sweet she is, I knew I had made a good addition to our family.

But she is a traitor. She was supposed to be my little companion cat, but she chooses to snuggle with Cliff. And because Peach is jealous and fights for her man, you would think that means Sylvie would come snuggle with me right? Noooooo… she chooses to sleep with Ramsey instead.

But I’m glad everyone loves her. Now, if only I could convince Dandi to stop trying to eat her…

Hey, Mom. How are you? Almost two years since I reached out to you. I’ve had a lot of pain over the last few years, and 2023 did not turn out to be the recovery year I wanted it to be. But I’m turning a corner now. I’m getting better. I posted the following to the Autism group on Reddit to find the empathy I thought I had from someone whose friendship meant so much to me. I’m better now (therapy, clarity, and self-love can do that), but I’m not completely healed. One day I will be. But life hasn’t been extremely kind to me the last few years. Here’s the note I mentioned.

Hi. I didn’t really want to post here, but I don’t know what to do. My story is long and probably not as trying as some people’s story, but I feel like giving up. Sorry for the TL;DR post, but it’s my full story.

I have one daughter, a 10 year old who was diagnosed ASD at 2. It has been a trying 10 years just because of that. She still throws toddler tantrums, she rips her shirt, she pees her pants, she screams, basically she terrorizes us to get whatever she wants. And if the word “no” is used, be prepared for the fight.

It wouldn’t be so bad…if my husband hadn’t been diagnosed with Parkinson’s 5 years ago.

It wouldn’t be so bad…if I hadn’t lost my mom (who was also my best friend) to COVID in 2021.

It wouldn’t be so bad…if my daughter hadn’t had a stroke in 2022 that had us in the hospital for 6 weeks that year while she recovered and then had brain surgery.

It wouldn’t be so bad…if someone at the job I loved hadn’t befriended me by having real empathy (a wife with a chronic condition and a kid with special needs) and then lured me onto his team only to watch me crash and burn in 2023 and then completely ghost me when I tried to talk to him about it.

But it is so bad. Every day, I cry. Every day, I hope for an end to the pain. Every day, I wake up for someone else wishing I would just never wake up at all.

I could get therapy. My last therapist refused to come to our sessions offering excuses. Nothing makes you feel more worthless than realizing the person you’re paying doesn’t think your problems are worth showing up for.

So, I’m here. My last resort. Because I don’t know what to do.

I miss you, Mom. You would have helped me through all these trials. So I’m still talking to you, hoping I find the help from you. Hoping that I’ll have your strength. Hoping I’ll develop that callus to just shrug off the pain. I haven’t yet. But maybe one day.

Merry Christmas, Mom! I hope wherever you are, the carols are the most beautiful you’ve ever heard.

I’m ok. I’m sad of course, but I’m ok. Somehow, I mustered up some Christmas spirit by December 23rd. I did a lot of last minute shopping to ensure that Ramsey had a plethora of gifts to open. We almost didn’t put up a tree, but when I remembered that we have a Christmas tree up in our closet year-round, it seemed silly not to bring it down for the holiday. I even managed to get the flag out before it was too late. Your reindeer stayed sequestered in the attic again. I’m just not ready for full celebration mode.

Jennifer is going to come visit on the 30th. Not sure who else is coming, but I’m going to strive to have a somewhat tidy house when they come. I’ll admit that I haven’t finished all my shopping for everyone, but I’ll get there.

I’m looking forward to 2023. I’m viewing it with a sense of hope. I have a couple of resolutions that I really think will help me emotionally. And I do feel that next year has got to be better than this year. I got this meme from a friend the other day. He hit the nail directly on the head.

I’m not sure I went through all 5 stages of grief, but I know the depression stage is what hit me hardest this year. I’m trying to come out the other side of that. I want to get to acceptance so that I can remember the beauty of your life without having to feel the pain of your loss. I know it will always hurt, that’s what love does. But I need to think of you with a smile as often as I can. I need to remember the stories that make me laugh (chewy OJ, shovel bounce, cut-throat Easter egg hunts, jigsaw puzzle laser sounds…) without feeling a tear on my face. One day, maybe I’ll write them all out so that time doesn’t erase the magic that made them memorable.

I love you, Mom. I’m sending you all my hugs (can you share with Dad and John?). I’ll be back in touch soon to share my New Year’s resolutions with you. Until then, I think of you often and love you always.

Hey, Mom! How are you? I got my Christmas card out late this year. I didn’t forget about you.

We finally had a chance to celebrate Ramsey’s 9th birthday. She asked for a strawberry cake with pink icing. I thought it was pretty gross, but it’s what she wanted.

She really seemed to like a collection of Daniel Tiger books that we got for her. We also gifted her some plushies that look like they came from The Good Dinosaur. She giggled when we re-enacted one of her favorite scenes with those plushies.

I guess I’m ready for Christmas. I’ve been in a Scrooge mood this year. I almost decided to forego a Christmas tree, but since we keep one in our closet year round, it was easy enough to bring it downstairs. I also went shopping today to get a bunch of toys for her to unwrap, although I don’t know if she’ll like any of them. As long as she has a good Christmas, it’s fine. I’m trying to get into the holiday spirit for her. She deserves it. She deserves so much more than I feel I can give her.

Hey, Mom. How are you? I made the mistake of writing my “anti-love letter” to 2022, and now I’m feeling the raw emotion of this entire sham of an year. Of course, I’ll share with you.

Ode to 2022

2022, tell me what have I done?

I thought you would be easy after 2021.

Last year’s COVID hardships made me lose my mom,

Took away my best friend, caused my family harm.

 

You started out with promise, year 2022.

The wounds had started healing, until you struck my little Roo.

You took away our springtime, leaving us with so much pain.

The doctors patched her up, but our broken hearts remained.

 

2022, why have you been so unkind?

She missed seeing her PaPa, her chance to say goodbye.

His absence has been felt, but her feelings she can’t share.

His memories are distant because our sadness she won’t bear.

 

The summer wasn’t better, year 2022.

The beach became a hospital with a parking lot view.

Part of Roo got fixed, with something new to address.

You made her daddy worse by plaguing him with stress.

 

2022, why must you force my tears?

The holidays are bitter, no longer having cheer.

It’s hard to keep it in and hide it with a smile.

The stage I’m in this year is no longer denial.

 

Another one you broke, year 2022.

She didn’t deserve her loss and major injury too.

Please grant her peace and comfort, a little joy too. 

We cannot lose another, especially for Roo. 

 

2022, you’re a cunning little imp.

On top of all your hardships, you’ve cursed me with a limp.

If you’re going to pick on someone, you should’ve kept it all with me.

Please pass this note along to 2023.

This is the song I’ve been listening to since I wrote this out. So much has happened, but losing you still hurts me most. Ramsey is almost healed, everyone is healing, but I’m stuck. One day I’ll be fine; just not today.

Hey, Mom. How are you? Thanksgiving was rougher on me than I expected. It’s year 2, but since last year was my year of denial, I was able to pretend that everything was copacetic. I stayed home and cooked, and then Christmas gifted me with Covid, so I didn’t really have to face the reality of holidays without you. This year, it hit me like a freight train.

Everything got messed up. I wasn’t able to get Roo’s medicine until Friday, so our Thursday arrival with the camper became a Friday rush to stay at your house. We managed to get to Cherryville by 7 PM, and I managed to get only about 2 hours of sleep in your house. I felt like I was surrounded by ghosts: the ghosts of past conversations, laughter, funny videos, family games. The photos are gone from the walls, a hollow feeling permeated the house. Your house. The only home you ever owned. The one where I spent most of my childhood. It just felt…cold. And not in the laughable “your house is old with no insulation” way. Cold in the sense that any joy died the day you left.

I got up at 4 AM after Dandi scratched on the door for the umpteenth time and sat in a chair in the corner of the living room. Of course, I cried, and the only thought I had was “I want to go home.” I was in my childhood home, but it might as well have been a stranger’s place. I resolved to have the family meal with everyone and leave as soon as possible. I thought I was ready; how foolish I feel.

We had dinner at Winnie’s on Saturday. As I mentioned previously, Debbie, Maggie and Cody joined us. I saw them back in March when we did the playhouse demolition. They know of everything that has happened with Ramsey since then. I had the feeling that they could see how broken I feel. Maggie hugged me, told me she loves me, asked me how I was doing. I don’t know how to honestly answer that question as it tends to fluctuate depending on the hour of day. Sometimes, I’m fine. Sometimes, I’m joking and laughing. And sometimes, I’m picking myself up and trying to tough-love myself into being ok. Not sure what stage of grief I’m in right now, but it sure sucks.

The one good thing with visiting the fam is that I got some pictures to make my Christmas card this year. I didn’t do one last year, and after everything this year, I just wanted to do something silly. I’ll of course send you the card when it’s ready. Here’s a little sneak peak.

In other news, we were visiting the hospital on Thanksgiving Day. Sandra broke her hip. She seems in good spirits, and she insisted that Cliff come with us for the Cherryville visit. During our visit, she commented on how tired I looked. I admit, I’m no longer able to sleep through the night. I usually wake up at 3 AM for an hour or so. That happened to Jennifer right after you left. I had thought I wouldn’t go through that, but here we are almost 2 years later. Anyway, Sandra made a comment about me having my hands full with Roo and Cliff, and then said in a very matter-of-fact way that she didn’t know how much longer I would have with him. I can’t believe that was coming from his mother. I was so gobsmacked by not only the comment but the lack of emotion that I couldn’t even really respond. As if it’s not something that goes through my mind daily.

But otherwise, we made it home safely, and now I just need to get ready for the Mess’s birthday. I’ll work on having a more upbeat update next time. And hopefully, I’ll have more pictures to share. I love you, Mom. Always.

Hey, Mom. How are you? I hate to start this update on a negative note, but I’m really struggling. I know it’s because the holidays are coming. I know it’s because whatever stage of grief I’m in right now is slapping me in the face on the regular. You’ve been gone a long time, but I still feel so raw sometimes. I still feel untethered with no clear direction or path. And I definitely don’t feel strong, but I don’t think I’ve ever been strong. I just know how to fake it.

I’m pretty sure I shared that we are having a Thanksgiving potluck in Cherryville this year. I’ve also asked Austin if he can take Christmas pictures of us for our Christmas card, and I’ve asked Winnie to help me achieve an elf look with my makeup. This is my second Thanksgiving without you. Most people would probably say I should be getting better by now. But I know why I feel worse. Last year, I didn’t have to face your absence since I did a small Thanksgiving here with Jade. And at Christmas, Covid gave us a reprieve (as ridiculous as that statement is). I’m trying to get better. I am. But 2022 hasn’t shown me grace to grieve. In fact, it’s been a nightmare with Ramsey’s medical issues and the stress of all that speeding up Cliff’s PD symptoms.

But I’ll try to share some of the good things that’s happened since my last communique with you. I know you always enjoyed my stories, especially ones that made you laugh. So, I guess I’ll start with Halloween since it came and went. Ramsey opted to be a witch again. She loves trick-or-treating but doesn’t like candy. To her, it’s about the interaction and routine. She giggled at the monsters roaming around in the yard of the best decorated house of the neighborhood. She carried a tiny little bucket with her for candy, which I told her we could empty and refill multiple times. But the moment her bucket was full, she said she was done. Funny story: Cliff drove the van around while Jade and I walked Ramsey to the houses. At one home, we got called the “moms”, which I just laughed about (particularly since much of my neighborhood is conservative). And I thought that if me and Jade are the moms, people must have thought Cliff was the creepy old man in the van slowly riding around the neighborhood. We should have completed that look with him offering candy out the window (although I don’t think having cops come out would have been a good look).

On the health front, I’m still crushing it with weight loss. Since my procedure, I’ve lost more than 80 lbs. Since my heaviest (back in January of 2019), I’ve lost more than 100 lbs. Considering that I’m not done with losing, that just shows how sick I really was (and maybe still am). My numbers at my last doctor’s visit were great, and having kind words from the doc (instead of directions to do better) really helps to spur me forward. I’ve managed to drop 2 pills from my medication routine, so that’s an enormous win. I wonder what being in maintenance is like. I actually worry about that moment when I meet goal and need to maintain. I’ve been so focused on weight loss for so long, how do I move into a mindset of being ok when numbers aren’t subtracting from the scale? I still have a bit to go before I face that reality, but I do think about it.

Last time, I shared a picture of Peach, so here’s one of Honey. I find their personalities fascinating. Peach really needs me but doesn’t like cuddles. Honey isn’t needy, but she’s a nice lap cat. I’m actually surprised how much Cliff and I are enjoying being cat owners. You did a good job with these two, and I hope I can be as good a cat mom to them as you were.

And of course, I’ll end with the galoot. I’m still so sad you never got to experience her sloppy kisses or ridiculous ways. She’s such a good girl, and she really has been my therapy pet since you’ve been gone.

That’s all I have for now. I’ll try to write more at Thanksgiving. Debbie, Maggie and Cody are coming. I’m excited to see them, and I’m just hoping I can keep it together. I love you, Mom.

Hey, Mom. How are you? I realized it had been a while since I updated you, so I thought I would have our chat over my morning coffee. This is Ramsey’s last week of track out, and I’m trying to figure out how to do this going forward with my work responsibilities. We’ve been researching track out camps, but I can’t find any that are available and can meet her needs. We may have to hire a babysitter next time. I wonder if she will be ok with that.

Ramsey got her dose of radiation to eradicate the last few millimeters of AVM. She seems like her old self. Once we get her g-tube removed, I hope we can put this all behind us.

Why didn’t you tell me Peach is so needy? That cat is determined to be attached to my hip 24/7. She already demands that I sleep in the bed with her. And even when I give her lots of love and leave her to her own devices, she comes downstairs and yowls for me. Part of me is tickled that she loves me so much. But it can be annoying.

Not a whole lot else to report. I’ve been having some struggles at work, but we’re getting through them. Otherwise, Halloween is soon and then a family Thanksgiving. I did recently make your mod burgers for dinner when Jade came for a visit. The recipe Jennifer found was incorrect, and I almost burned them. But they were so yummy and nostalgic.

Love you! More soon.

Hi, Mom. How are you? It’s been a few weeks since I reached out, so I thought it was time. There isn’t a lot to report. I guess our most recent event is that Ramsey had to have an MRI to prep for her upcoming radiation treatment. She did great! No fussing, and she even got to smell yummy strawberry as she drifted off to sleep before the scan.

I don’t know if I’ve told you about Cliff’s condition worsening. He can still get around, but we are resigned to the fact that it’s easier for him to use a wheelchair if there is to be a lot of walking. He’s been doing fine with the transition, and he realizes there’s nothing to prove by stressing his body when it’s not necessary.

Couple of sweet Ramsey stories. First, she’s been initiating putting her dishes in the sink after dinner. I know that shouldn’t be a surprise at her age, but considering that she started doing it on her own without my harping at her about it, I’m quite proud. The other nice addition to her routine is that she’s really embraced bedtime. Daniel Tiger and other PBS shows has really helped her get better with these routines. She even reads me a story at night!

We’ve also been able to have a few sleepovers in the new camper. Ramsey seems to really like it, and it’s actually a pretty cozy little place.

The final update is our latest project. We made a toy zoo for Ramsey. It holds quite a lot of toys, and I even uploaded an assembly video to YouTube and TikTok (yes, I’ve become that person). Cliff is really proud of it. He drew up the plans and made the vision come to life.

I guess that’s it for now. I’ve been starting some planning for a family Thanksgiving, so hopefully some good pictures are to come from that soon. Otherwise, I’ll leave you with this picture of the goofus Danders. I love you, Mom.