Hey, Mom! How are you?

Hey, Mom. How are you? I’m ok, even though you’ve missed another birthday. I’ve thought of you a lot today, and I wish I could have gotten your phone call wishing me a happy day. I got one from Jennifer, but of course, it’s not the same. But we all know it can’t ever be the same again.

The day was pretty good. Cliff and I tried a coffee shop we had never been to, although Ramsey insisted on having Starbucks. It’s what she’s used to, and as we all know, she’s hard to convince otherwise. After we had breakfast, Cliff picked up my cake from a local bakery called Nana’s Lil Sweets. It’s such a cute cake, and they made it in my favorite dessert flavor combo: banana, chocolate and peanut butter. We had some after dinner, and it is a really good cake.

Jade had a work event today that she invited us to. It was an appreciation day for their workers, so I brought her a gift so she would know how much we appreciate her. Nothing much, just a notebook/journal, but the cover was soft and squishy. I thought it was cool. Ramsey had a lot of fun. She even joined Jade on the old fashion version of filters.

I felt a little sick after the event, so I came home to nap before having my birthday dinner and enjoying cake. Ramsey even sang happy birthday to me.

So other than my birthday, things have been getting back to normal. Ramsey went back to school last week. She really didn’t want to go back, but she’s been doing great while there.

We had a few follow up appointments, and we have our referral for a consultation with a radiation specialist. Hopefully, getting that last pesky 5mm will be the last of this whole fiasco. I’m ready to get it over with. Life goes on, and we don’t need to dwell on what a sh*tshow 2022 has been.

In other news, your kitties love me. Peach is a little camera shy, but here are a couple of Honey getting lots of snuggles.

Funny story about Peach. The other day when I was giving her some pets, I whispered “You miss her, don’t you?” Without hesitating, she answered me in a similarly quiet meow that sounded like “Yeah.” Maybe I remind them of you, but I know they wish you were still with them too.

I guess that’s all for now. Tomorrow, Jade is taking me clothes shopping for my birthday. Maybe I’ll find some cute, better-fitting outfits. Love you.

Hey, Mom! How are you? I’m happy to report that we are finally home. I think the last time I updated you was when Ramsey was in surgery for a g-tube insertion. I’ve had almost a week to get used to helping her get enough fluids. She doesn’t like it, but she tolerates me giving her fluids. I’m not sure how she will be when the teachers have to help her at school, but we will see.

I have to say that I’m very fortunate to have two wonderful sisters. Jennifer came up to house sit so the dogs and cats wouldn’t be totally neglected during the 18 days we spent at the hospital. Jade came to visit most days and often let me and Cliff escape for dinner. It was also nice just having either of them come visit so that we had another adult for conversation. I sometimes take for granted that I have a good relationship with both of my sisters, but I’m trying to remember to be appreciative.

I mentioned last time that I was exploring some creativity while in the hospital. I tried to teach myself crochet, and I’ll continue to practice that some. I also did some ridiculously bad drawing. But my other creative outlet was to create a video of Roo’s brain surgery experience. It’s on YouTube.

Otherwise, we’re going to spend the weekend together before we decide how we get Ramsey back into the routine of school, therapy, an do life in general.

Hey, Mom. How are you? I’m sitting here trying to distract myself with YouTube, and I thought I would reach out to you. Ramsey is currently in recovery for her second (unexpected) surgery for this hospital stay. A few days ago, the doctor informed us that since she didn’t want to drink much and her sodium level was t stabilizing without fluids, our option for getting out of here was to have a g-tube inserted into her belly so we could give her fluids to make up the difference. She needs about 72 oz per day to maintain safe sodium levels. When I’m tracking, it’s hard for me to get that much in a day. We knew it would be an impossible expectation for her to drink that much once we leave.

Cliff was devastated. He had to disappear for the rest of that day. I guess I’m still in fight mode. Whatever I need to do to keep my baby healthy. I think the night we found out, I took a late night trip to the 6th floor to think. The side effect of being in the hospital so much is knowing where to find the best waiting room views. Here’s a picture of the view from the 6th floor solarium in the daytime.

We’ve been here for almost 2 weeks. I spend most of the day on my phone. I’m bored, but I’m always trying to look up new things that come to mind (like a Christmas gift for Jade, a new recipe to try when I’m back home, specs on a new little rolling backyard home for Roo, etc.). Here’s one thing I’ve done to try to pass the time.

I also finally asked for paper to do some pencil drawings. I keep colored pencils in my purse for my journaling needs, but I’m trying my hand at some light sketching.

Otherwise, I’m just here, wishing I wasn’t, wishing she didn’t have to go through this, wishing I was working, wishing I was preparing for back to school. Anything but here.

Hey, Mom! How are you? We’re ok here, just still in the hospital. Ramsey has been a real champ. For a week, both her arms were restrained to keep her from pulling out any lines. I finally requested that she have access to her left arm today because she doesn’t have any lines in that arm. She never complained about her arms being immobilized. The only difficulty she’s shown has been when the nurses come in, but that’s understandable. She’s tired of being observed and prodded and interrupted and just being here. We all are.

Here are some pics from our time here to show Ramsey’s different stages. Day 3 proved to be one with worry. Her sodium levels went up quite a bit, and it has been a battle to get them stable. They had to pump her full of so many fluids that her little face got all swollen. But she looks much better now.

Now, although Ramsey has been a real trooper, she’s still a kid with annoying habits. Her recent one to pass the time has been talking about a “screaming alien gorilla” and roaring really loudly. I think she got it from Max & Ruby. Once or twice was fine, but after hearing it 50,000 times, it’s kind of bothersome.

I’m trying to pass the time by not going crazy. I’m reading (which is nice), playing my phone games (which is tedious), and walking to the cafeteria at mealtimes (at least it’s a little exercise). I did go home yesterday to get a few supplies and visit with the pups. Dandi was crying because she was so happy to see me. I have really missed that galoot.

Jade and Jennifer had a crafting session yesterday. I wish I could have joined them, but I didn’t want to leave Ramsey again. So, I joined them via video chat. While they painted, I drew some family portraits on the iPad. My talent has no bounds. Surely you could guess each of these individuals.

We’re hoping to leave in a few days. Ramsey is mobile, and recovery has been much easier this time. She has been begging me to cuddle with her for days. Today, we let her sit on the couch in the room after her walk so we could sit together.

Ok, going to get back to our cuddle time. I love you, Mom. Hopefully, the next time I write you will be from home.

Hey, Mom. How are you? I’m in the hospital. I checked out an ebook from the library to help pass the time. As you know, Ramsey is having surgery today. Losing myself in one of Nicholas Sparks’ stories is helping me not dwell on what is happening to my little girl, but I decided to take a moment just to reach out. Also, I figured I could share all the Snaps from this morning.

Last night, I spent some time watching Ramsey read. She tried to have a sleepover upstairs, but it didn’t work out. Still got some cute content. And it helped me be in the moment with her and really appreciate the time.

I struggle to be a good mom to her. I’m really quick to lose my temper. Sometimes, admonishing her may be justified, but sometimes, it’s way over the top. I am my own person, and I can’t blame anyone for my behavior as I know I can strive to fix myself. But I’ll be honest, Mom. You were a scary mom, and you could be really hateful sometimes. A memory I relayed to the family this week that is one of the worst is when you called me a “pig” in front of Mamaw, Papaw, and Maggie when I dropped a 2 liter bottle of drink and spilled it on the floor. And the other was when in a moment of frustration, you expressed a regret of my being born. I love you and forgave you for those moments long ago, but they are unfortunately ones I don’t know how to forget. I wish I could.

I type all that to remind myself not to follow your parenting path. Intimidation worked for you, but it doesn’t work for Ramsey. Unfortunately, I don’t know any other way to properly parent. I don’t always yell, but there is a limit to how much whining, tantruming, and screaming I can handle before my own powder keg explodes.

Anyway, I didn’t want to write an accusatory message to you. Just wanted to share how I’m feeling. It’s been really challenging lately, and Ramsey has tested my patience horribly, tests that I usually fail. I was always a star pupil in school, so failing at the most important job in life is one of the bitterest pills to swallow.

I often feel unworthy of her love. How can she love such a monster, and what am I teaching her about motherhood with which she might curse her own offspring (should she choose to have any)?

I’ll leave this post with something more lighthearted as I don’t want to end it so somberly. Here’s a short video of the galoot in her discovery of bubbles.

Hey, Mom. How are you? Sorry I haven’t updated in a while. My company recently moved to a new facility, which has kept me super busy. It’s amazing that a brand new facility still generates complaints from people. Oh well, can’t please everyone.

We’ve had a few outings over the last month. We took Ramsey to see Lightyear, and she was super excited about it. She bugged me all day on Saturday to go see the movie, and she really seemed engaged in most of it. She’s really enjoying going to the theater and restaurants. I guess it beats the car picnics we had during the pandemic.

We got to see the fireworks again from our front yard this year. It seems like they start later and later every year. In fact, right before they started, Ramsey said “Let’s go to bed.” Her poor little eyes were so sleepy, but she pasted a big smile on her face when they started.

We’ve been going through a rough spell with Ramsey lately. She’s been more and more combative and contrary. In fact, she smashed her iPad and the TV we had on the 3rd floor. She’s not getting another iPad, and we’ve basically restricted her from going in any room except her bedroom, her bathroom and anywhere on the first floor. I spoke with her psychiatrist yesterday, and we agreed that after her surgery and recovery, we will up her medication a little if her behavior is still the same.

Ok, so remember the bat? We hadn’t seen it again since I wrote to you back in June. And then this past weekend I was taking laundry upstairs, and noticed this on one of the steps.

I don’t know how it got there. I had just come down the stairs with Ramsey a few minutes prior, and it wasn’t there. I made Cliff do his manly duty to get rid of it. He said it was stiff, so it’s been in our house for a while. My theory is the cats were keeping it as a toy. I also think one of them may have thrown it on the stairs when playing because I’ve seen those jokesters throwing things in the air to catch when playing.

Well, that seems to be all the news I have for now. Just one more week until surgery. The nerves are starting to take hold.

I love you.

Hey, Mom. How are you? We got a reprieve today. After waking up at 4 AM, getting to the hospital by 5:30 AM, and being called back to prepare Ramsey for the surgery, everything was cancelled. Her neurosurgeon called in sick. He said that had never happened before. How does stuff like that always happen to us? It’s been rescheduled for July 18th.

We got Ramsey dressed, and when we told her we were leaving, she excitedly asked for breakfast. She doesn’t seem to mind the delay. I’m ok with it too, so long as she doesn’t have another medical event.

Once again, I feel like I wasted Jennifer’s time. She came up to help with the pets, and Ramsey had fun playing hide and seek and doing Snapchat filters with her. She definitely cried a little when Jennifer left to go home today.

I was so exhausted all day. Maybe the worry and late, melatonin-less (for Ramsey) nights have finally caught up with me. Another 5 weeks, and we’ll see how I am for what will hopefully be the end of all this. I just want to put it all behind us. Anyway, I’ll end this with a cute picture of Ramsey cuddling her Dandi. I love you, Mom.

Hey, Mom. How are you? I know it’s been a while since I’ve posted. I’m sorry for the long delay. Today is the day before Ramsey’s big surgery. To say I’m worried and nervous is a complete understatement. But we know it’s something we have to do. When we had the follow up visit to the neurosurgeon, he explained that the odds of her having a reoccurrence of the aneurysm goes up every year she doesn’t have the surgery. And recovery is not guaranteed if she has another aneurysm. So we are moving forward with the surgery. I keep telling myself that everything will be fine because it has to be.

So let me catch you up on recent happening. Ramsey is starting to get into going to the movies. In May, we surprised her with an evening family date night that included a family dog walk, dinner at Chili’s, then the movie she chose The Bad Guys. It was a cute movie, but I think she just liked being able to eat popcorn in the dark.

We also tried to take Ramsey to the zoo in May. The trip did not go so well. I really overestimated her stamina, choosing to forget that she had just been in the hospital for 3 weeks. We only saw a couple of animals before she was exhausted and crying. Had I been smart, I would have encouraged her to get in her wheelchair. We’ll try again sometime. I just feel bad that Jennifer and Richard drove so far for such a lackluster event. Jade came too, and I also feel bad everyone paid for such a lackluster event. Oh well. We’ll feed giraffes another time.

In other news, Honey and Peach are in trouble for inviting over a guest without asking me. This little guy was flapping around the third floor one day. As Ramsey and I went upstairs to feed the girls, I saw something swoop by overhead. The next thing I know, I had teleported to the second floor. I started hollering for Ramsey to get down the stairs, and we took refuge in my bed while Cliff went to investigate. The next day, we couldn’t find any evidence the bat was there. We don’t know how it got in or out, but it was a little unnerving.

Your girls are doing great. They live on our third floor, and Cliff and I go up every night to watch a show and get some kitty love. They are so funny and sweet. I’m really happy they joined our family.

In other news, I’ve lost more than 60 lbs. I have more to go, but I’m feeling really good these days. I’ve just got to stay motivated and keep my eyes on the prize.

So, that’s all for now. I’ll check back in after surgery with the update. I miss you so much.

Hey, Mom. How are you? Happy Mother’s Day. I wish you were here to celebrate. I still have Ramsey to give me reason to celebrate, but I prefer to be celebrate someone else instead of being celebrated.

Here’s our annual Mother’s Day picture. I think it turned out well this year.

I wish I could bring you back. Even if it was just for the special days. I can’t even delete your contact from my phone even though it’s no longer your number. I can’t remove you from my favorites because you are still one of my favorites even though you’re not here. I can’t stop thinking of your house as Mom’s house even though it’s now the family house. It wasn’t supposed to be like this, but I guess people don’t get to choose the lives they want, only how to navigate the ones they’re dealt.

Hey, Mom! How are you? Happy Cinco de Mayo! Does tequila taste as nasty where you are? I can’t have alcohol until December, so I won’t be partaking of any festivities today.

We go back to see Ramsey’s neurosurgeon next Wednesday. Hopefully, we will get a surgery date when this happens. I’m both ready to get the surgery over with while also hoping that it doesn’t ever have to happen. I at least want to know when it will happen so I can adequately prepare myself. We’ve already started trying to prepare Ramsey. She got a haircut last week since they will have to shave a portion of her hair to do the surgery. She didn’t really like getting it cut, but she seems ok with it now.

I’m sad to report that we lost Eddie recently. Ramsey only has one grandparent left. She doesn’t want to talk about it, of course. The other day she said something about Nanie. The she said “We’re going to Nanie and Pa…” but stopped herself before saying, “We’re going to Nanie’s house.” She knows he’s gone, but she doesn’t want to talk about it. If you see him wherever you are, please let him know we miss him, but we’re happy he’s not suffering anymore.

Ramsey stayed through some of the visitation, but she couldn’t do the funeral. We stayed outside under a shady tree for a while during the service. Then we walked around the cemetery to look at a fountain and some statues. I hope someday Ramsey can communicate about her grief so she doesn’t have to feel so alone in her experiences.

I don’t have a story about this, but I thought I would share Winnie’s prom picture. She looked so beautiful. The only info Jennifer got was that she had a good time. Unfortunately, Bryson couldn’t go because of his age, but I guess Winnie wanted to experience it anyway. It’s one of those high school rites of passage that so many of us feel compelled to do.

Cliff and I have started having kitty time on the third floor every evening. After Ramsey goes to bed and we secure the dogs for the night, we open the half bath door so the cats can come hang with us while we watch a show. They love it. They love competing for our attention, cat fighting with each other, and otherwise enjoying not being barked at. We are planning to relocate them to the third floor permanently. That will probably happen this weekend.

Last story, and I’ll let you go. Ramsey has dove back into a Peppa Pig obsession I wasn’t expecting. I think it started in the hospital. Since we’ve been home, she’s gotten some new Peppa books and toys, and she loves watching episodes on her iPad. The other day, her teacher sent a request to all parents to send their children to school dressed up as their current favorite obsession. Ramsey isn’t back to school yet, but just that day I got a picture of her reenacting Peppa’s favorite activity.

That’s all for now. We go to Ramsey’s pediatrician today in hopes of getting her back to school next week. It will be on a modified schedule, but it would be good for her to get back into a routine.

I love you. I wish you had been here to help us through this difficult time, but I know you wouldn’t have wanted to hang out at a hospital.