Hey, Mom! How are you?

Hey, Mom! I hope you were there. I had to leave before the reception, but the ceremony was beautiful.

I tried to keep it together. I’ve never been a sap at weddings. Jennifer did a great job officiating. But her voice broke just once when she mentioned those who couldn’t be there for the occasion, and that was all it took for the dam to break. It was a sweet ceremony. They giggled as they said their vows, and Austin was ready to rush away with his new bride when all was said and done. I felt a little embarrassed of my tears, especially when it was the groom who came to console me. But I hate you got cheated out of the occasion. I know you would have loved to see him (despite the presence of your “enemy”). I did make a new friend. He didn’t say much, but he did a great job greeting the guests.

Cute pre-wedding story: I asked Ramsey if she wanted to come upstairs while I put on my makeup. She hurried upstairs and grabbed her little makeup case to do her own makeup. I even gave her a pencil for her brows and a nearly dried up mascara. She used her phone as a mirror to apply her makeup. It was so cute, and she had a blast getting ready with us.

Anyway, after the ceremony and some pictures, we rushed home to take Ramsey trick-or-treating and to get her ready for school tomorrow. We missed the reception, but Jennifer did share Jade’s and Winnie’s toasts.

So, for Halloween this year, Ramsey opted for witch as her costume.

It took a bit after we got home to get Ramsey ready for trick-or-treating, but she loved it. She sang Halloween songs the entire time, and she liked going to the houses. We opted to have Cliff drive the car to a couple of houses, and I would walk with Ramsey to all the surrounding houses. I’m happy she had such a wonderful time and that Cliff didn’t have to struggle with too much walking. It worked out well.

All right, Mom. It was quite an eventful day, so I’m going to get the Ramsey ready for bed. We love you lots. Days like this make it really evident how much I miss you.

More after, but wanted you to enjoy some pre-wedding violin music.

Hey, Mom! How are you? I think I’m ok, but I don’t really know. I spoke with Jade on the phone yesterday and came to the conclusion that I don’t really feel tethered to anything anymore. The day I lost you it felt like whoever was holding my rope let go, and I’m just drifting along like a wayward parade balloon. Probably dumb imagery, but I don’t really know how to describe what I’m feeling.

Cliff and I are talking about moving. He is still tethered. He has his mom and Eddie. He doesn’t want to move too far away, and I don’t want Ramsey to lose touch with her remaining grandparents. But I feel the pull to go elsewhere. We may end up moving to Granville County, which is the county north of Wake. It’ll be quieter, more peaceful. I don’t know if it will feel like home, but it’s where I feel the shift of the wind.

On that sappy note, I’ll share some Ramsey pics with you. Over the weekend, Ramsey asked to go to the nearby Corn Maze after she rode horses. Since we weren’t prepared to go on Saturday, I told her we would take her on Sunday. She must have said the words “corn maze” 200 times on Saturday. I finally said that first sleep, then corn maze. Around 7:30, she said “Let’s go to bed.” And on her way up the stairs she repeated, “first sleep, then corn maze.” And of course, it was the first thing she said when she woke up on Sunday. She was pretty patient, and she got to go to the corn maze. She didn’t even want to do the maze. She just wanted to play on the structures.

The other thing she recently requested was “punch gloves”. I guess she saw them on a video because she requested them over and over on Friday. She picked some out on Amazon, and they arrived on Sunday. She had quite the day with corn maze and punch gloves keeping her busy.

In other Ramsey news, she has been requesting new foods to try. One day she asked for a burger and another day she wanted a “sandwich with ham, lettuce and tomato”. She only took the tiniest nibble of the bread on the sandwich. She actually took a bite of the burger, and even though she shivered as she chewed and swallowed it, she followed it up with an enthusiastic “mmmmmmmmmmm!” It’s not much, but it’s a start.

And just to give you more smiles, here is a picture of my girl that she wanted to take to show her itchy arm. I have no idea how she comes up with this stuff.

My other little girl is growing up so fast. She’s learning how to fetch, which is amazing. I can’t believe we might have two fetchers in our house. We’ve started crating her at night and when we leave. She’s doing really well with it. She’s been such a good dog, my sweet therapy mutt who has helped me through my pain this year. And she’s still such a cuddler. I get my best cuddles in the morning.

Well, that’s my update. Only 11 more days until the boy ties the knot. I know you’ll be looking in. Just avert your eyes from any of those you don’t want to see.

I love you, Mom.

Hey, Mom. How are you? I know it’s been a while since I wrote. Honestly, I’m having trouble these days. In general, things are going well. I like my job. Ramsey is doing well. Cliff seems to be ok. But my heart still hurts when I think about all you’re missing. So, let me catch you up.

The only Ramsey update is her school picture. I always want to make sure you get a copy, even if it’s no longer in a frame on your wall. I really tried to make her hair look good. I just don’t know how to work with thick hair. She definitely got that from Cliff, not from us fine-haired ladies.

She’s still loving books, and she asks for new books weekly. I’m tickled pink that she’s a reader. Just like her mommy and Nana.

I have two Dandi stories and a video to accompany one of them. So, last week, Cliff was working from home, which meant Dandi was coming and going outside quite a bit. Now that the weather is a little cooler, Cliff will usually leave the door open so he doesn’t have to continuously let her in and out. Well, apparently when he got up to go to the kitchen, he noticed a dead squirrel on the couch. Alarming yes, but he just got rid of it and went about his business. Later after picking Ramsey up from school, he came home to find Piper on the deck with a different dead squirrel in his mouth. I guess he was trying to show that he’s as good as Dandi. But I don’t think they killed the squirrels. They were small, so I think a nest fell out of a tree.

Funny thing is that later that day, Dandi was having a fit looking out the bay window in our kitchen. When I went to see all the fuss, there was a squirrel dancing around the retaining wall out back. I told her absolutely not and left her there to fret.

The other story is about how Dandi likes to make me lose sleep. A few days ago, we were about to leave the house to go get dinner. Cliff went to call in the dogs, and Dandi was just lying in the yard. Usually, she comes galloping up to greet us, but she just laid there. When I went to check on her, she got up and ran away from me and Cliff. She seemed to be swaying, and she whimpered a few times. I finally got her and carried her into the house. Once she was inside, she was swaying and stumbling really badly. Cliff and I thought a neighbor had poisoned her. We were about to take her to the emergency vet when I noticed a bottle on her pillow. It was Cliff’s new bottle of Delta 8 CBD oil, and the rubber top had been chewed open. The bottle was empty, and we knew the culprit was the staggering pooch. She took probably a hundred times more than Cliff takes in a dose, and she was feeling it. I laid with her all night to make sure she didn’t stop breathing. She had to sleep it off, and now you wouldn’t know how drunk she was. She probably had the best rest of her short life.

The last news is the Austin and Chloe had their wedding shower yesterday. They had some guests come physically, but others (including me) opted to attend virtually. It was cute: Disney-themed. Jennifer sent the virtual attendees a little tea set (cup, tea mix, homemade butter mints that may have been Mickey-shaped or possibly penis-shaped, and Biscoff cookies). She also sent some puzzles for Ramsey, which was really sweet of her. I guess she’s really rooted herself into the matriarch role since it became vacant in February.

At the end of the event, I shared that funny piece of advice you gave me years ago: “Don’t get married.” (But what if I want kids someday?) “People do it all the time.” In all seriousness, the only advice I can share is to be friends because you need to like the person with whom you choose to share your life. Also, be prepared to have disagreements over parenting if you choose to have kids.

Austin was excited to give me a virtual tour of the house since he’s been working to make it a home for him and Chloe. He’s done a nice job. But I couldn’t help but feel a touch of sadness. I’m happy he’s making it a comfortable home and that he’s excited about it. But seeing the changes just feels like an eraser is being taken to your life. It’s ridiculous, I know. I know you would be happy to see that Austin is carrying on, especially by giving your fluffy black pup a place where he feels safe. And I know he’s not erasing you but trying to honor you by taking care of the old place and all it’s furry inhabitants.

My therapist said I’m resilient. But so little knocks me down. I’ll climb back up, but I’ll continue to miss you. I love you, Mom.

Hey, Mom! How are you? I’m ok, I suppose, but I did have a cry fest on the way home yesterday to the background of Ed Sheeran’s Visiting Hours song. I really wish that there would be visiting hours wherever you are. I imagine you and Dad sitting together and watching the little family you started so long ago. I know you weren’t on great terms in life, but in afterlife, I like to think you would be friends. I like to think that you have shared the stories of things he missed, like the pulpy orange juice story. And if I could come for my own visit, I wouldn’t have to type out the diary of my life in hopes that you will see it. But until visits are established, I will see you in my dreams and talk to you via this blog.

I’m happy to report that the second day of horses went much better. It was dicey at first. Ramsey screamed when we drove up to the corral. But I got in the back to hug her and help her with her gear. She seemed hesitant to go to the corral, stalling by making a quick trip to the porta potty. But she did get on her horse and ride without complaint. The horse she rode is River.

If you can believe it, Ramsey has finally started playing with dolls and a doll house. For some reason, she picked up this little Cabbage Patch baby and decided to mother it. She said it’s name is Kitty (because of the cat costume), and she had a ball feeding and changing and bottling this little thing. She even used a storage bin as a pretend bathtub and crib. She would have made a good big sister. I’m not sure I could have been a good mommy to another little one. Maybe that’s why we chose to get Dandi instead.

Speaking of Dandi, here’s a pic of the spoiled golden girl. I still love her to pieces even if I have rotted her.

That’s all I have for now. I love you, Mom. If you do see Dad, I hope you’ll give him a hug for me.

Hey, Mom. How are you? Not a lot has been happening this way. I’ve picked up the phone several times to write to you, but I couldn’t figure out what to say.

Austin and Chloe went to Disney this week. It looks like they are having a good time. He’s braver than I am. I wouldn’t want to be there during COVID times. But I’m also agoraphobic, so there’s that.

Ramsey started horses this past Saturday. I don’t have any pictures because she had a terrible start to the horse season. She was actually ejected from the ring because she was trying to bite the horse. She only got a mouthful of mane hair, but it upset me that she was having such a fit. We’ll try again this week. Maybe it will go better, and I’ll have pictures to share.

Ramsey has been wanting to do a lot of reading recently. She’s been going through all her books, and she even made us buy a cereal because it advertised a free book with purchase. I guess that’s the only way she would get me to buy yucky Froot Loops.

I know you miss Cliff’s humor, so here is something to make you laugh. Dandi is in the habit of bringing sticks and rocks and other outside debris into the house. Cliff often gathers it up and throws it back outside when he sees it only to find the same stick back in the living room a while later. Apparently, he thinks this sign by Dandi’s dog door will deter her.

Friday we will have our first virtual Family Fun Night. I think you would have liked participating in it. Maybe I should find an online Trivial Pursuit game we can all play. I remember how you used to play that back in the day. I’m hoping we can make this a semi-weekly thing. My therapist says I should seek other companionship outside of the home, so good old-fashioned competition might be the way to start this. I wish you could join us. Maybe we should call it Cheryl’s Charades if we choose to play that. Or Mom’s Mad Libs. Or Nana’s … shoot can’t think of a good one. But I’ll send you some images from our game night. I should have thought of this sooner.

I love you. Always missing you.

Hey, Mom. How are you? Sorry that my messages are not more frequent. I don’t often have anything to talk about. I know that never stopped me from calling you when you were here, but I definitely want these posts to have some good content for you and hopefully pictures to show off what’s happening.

Anyway, I know that most of my messages just have a picture or video of Ramsey or Dandi. You’re probably wondering how your own furry friends are doing. First, the kitties. Austin has taken good care of your cats. I keep thinking of going to pick up Honey and Peach like I promised I would, but Austin would be heartbroken. Jennifer also mentioned she would hate to break up the little clowder, so I am leaning into letting him take care of the Swishies (your cats with full tails) and the Bobs (all of his bobtailed furries). I don’t have pictures of all the cats because you know, they’re cats, but Austin sent these fairly recently.

Of course, I can’t do a pet post without mentioning Link. I know he misses you, Mom. It’s so sad for animals when a human goes first. One day, everything is hunky dory and the next, it’s turned upside down. Before Austin moved back to your house, Link was having some separation anxiety when he would go to work. The neighbors at his apartment said he would bark all day. But he seemed better once he moved back home. He knows you’re not there, and he’s a little clingy, but he’s definitely happy to be in his home.

Anyway, Chloe took him for a groom recently, and here are the fabulous photos of your handsome boy.

I got Austin and Chloe’s wedding invitation in the mail the other day. It was complete with a fun wax seal, all Halloween themed. I’m a little sad they are not allowing children at their wedding. I’ll have to check with Austin on this as it might limit my ability to attend if Ramsey can’t go.

Anyway, I’ll leave this pet-heavy message with my latest picture of Dandi loving on me. And another one of Piper stretched out belly-up on my lap. I love you, Mom. It’s still so hard that you’re gone.

Hey, Mom. How are you? I’m hanging in there. I had to pull off an event at work this week. With only a week’s notice, I had to rent a tent, chairs, table and PA system as well as get a catered lunch for our whole company. I managed to make it work, but because of the extreme heat, I actually had an episode that might have been heat exhaustion. I had to go lie in our lab space for a while until the edges of my vision were no longer black. I’m glad I made it through, and I’m looking forward to a more low key week of doing easy projects, like scanning and filing.

I know I told you about my date night with Cliff last week, but I don’t think I told you about how he hurt my feelings before our date. We were relaxing before heading to the movies. I was listening to my earbuds, and he was “resting his eyes.” I think I must have inherited singing along to music from you. I know a lot of people do that, but it’s one of the ways I really enjoy listening to music. I know I’m not a great singer, but Cliff didn’t have to get all huffy with me and say “Must you sing?” Yes, I must. It’s the way I enjoy the music. I remember growing up hearing you sing along, and I always associated that with joy and happiness with the music. I don’t care if it offends. It makes me happy to sing along.

This weekend I’ve been concentrating on getting the mountain of laundry down to a manageable pile. We also went swimming yesterday. So I will leave you with these pool pictures of my little mermaid. She likes to show off how she can put her head under the water now.

I love you, Mom. Next time, I’ll tell you about counseling. I’m still feeling it out at the moment.

Hi, Mom. How are you? I did it. I made it through my birthday without you. It wasn’t without tears. It wasn’t without thinking of you constantly. But I did it. It wasn’t a good birthday. But I tried to make it work. We did a birthday steak dinner on my actual birthday. Then Jade watched Ramsey the next day so Cliff and I could have a date night. We watched a movie and had dinner. It was ok, but with the pandemic still very much a thing, we were masked up in the theater and eating in the car.

I guess the other thing I enjoyed was chocolate cake. Ramsey liked it too.

I also got lots of cuddles from Dandi. Not because she knew it was my birthday but because she’s just a cuddle muffin.

So, I did it. But I wish I could have just heard your voice wishing me a happy day. It sucks, Mom. Will it ever get better? I’m trying to take steps to make it better. I’ve signed up for online counseling. It was hard enough with Ramsey’s ASD diagnosis and Cliff’s PD diagnosis. Losing you means I lost the one person to whom I could just really open up. I can’t burden Cliff. He’s got his own battles, and you know that men sometimes have issues with emotional vulnerability. I don’t know if Ramsey will ever have the ability to form a friendship with me like you and I did. But even if that happens, she’s too young to be a rock for me now. So, I think I’m going to turn it over to the professionals. I need help. I’m here, but I’m not.

Anyway, I love you. Always. Here’s a picture of Ramsey after she stole my ice cream cone just to give you a quick laugh.

Hey, Mom! How are you? I started writing this yesterday because yesterday sucked, and I really needed you to make me feel better. I signed Ramsey up for Before Care with a daycare near her school. Her first day was on Monday. She was excited about the prospect of riding a bus to school. Well, on day 1, she had some issues because she was really excited about the bus ride and didn’t want to wait. Then I got a phone call on day 2 saying they wouldn’t be able to continue to watch her. After day 1, I created a visual schedule to try to help her. I even made one for the evening as well to keep consistency. They didn’t even give her a chance to adjust to her new normal. They said I could bring her for the rest of the week, but Friday would be her last day. Why would I get her used to something only to tear it away next week? It really upset me, and this morning, it really upset her.

She asked for a bus ride this morning, and I told her not today. Then she started asking for playtime over and over, which was what I had put on her schedule. She was heartbroken. So was I. It’s hard to keep watching your kid get rejected just because she’s different and takes a bit to adjust to something new. I can’t believe they just wrote her off so quickly.

But let’s talk about happier subjects, shall we. We’ve been taking Dandi and Piper to the park. Piper is so happy to be included. This past weekend, Ramsey got upset when we got to the park. She didn’t want to go with the dogs. So, I asked her if she wanted to go swing instead. That was a much more enticing offer. So, Cliff went with Piper and Dandi, and I pushed Ramsey on the swing until my arms felt the burn. Then she played on the slide for a while. And when I checked in with her a little while later, she said “Let’s go home.” She did great, and thankfully, Cliff was able to relax on a bench while the dogs played.

Other than the park, Ramsey, Jade, and I went to see Space Jam this weekend. Sorry, no picture, but if you’ve seen one image of Ramsey eating popcorn in the dark, you’ve seen them all. She was meh on the movie, but she loves the theater experience. I wish you could have enjoyed more movie outings with her.

Funny aside. Ramsey’s calendar for August has a picture that reminds me of you. I hope you’re getting all the naps you want wherever you are now. Maybe you’ve been reborn as a spoiled rotten pooch. A life of leisure would be one deserved.

I miss you. I hope wherever you are, you have peace.